In No Particular Way

With fuck all else to do, I’m writing songs. Sorry about that. This is three in three weeks. The dirty secret this time is that I actually conceived this song many many years ago. I just couldn’t be arsed. Anyway. It’s a country and western song about erectile dysfunction, in case you were wondering where my mind is at right now.

Lyrics

I know it’s after hours
But I’ve got this little problem
And I hope you’ll help your fellow man out
It’s a very private matter
And I’m sure you’ll keep the secret
Do I really have to spell it right out?
Oh please… please say there’s a cure
I know I’m pushing forty
But surely I’ve got more?

She’s been waiting in the bedroom
In her heels and pretty knickers
A smile, some pearls and nothing much more
But now she’s knocking on the bathroom
While I’m trying to get things started
I’ve never had this problem before
Oh please… please tell me the cure

I know I’m pushing forty
But surely I’ve got more?
Please don’t send me away
I swear I’m not gay
Just give me a minute and I’ll prove I’m OK
I promise that it’s to nothing do
With any aspect of you
It’s just sometimes I’m blue
In no particular way

I should not have had that whiskey
Cos clearly she was frisky
And I wish that I’d just kept my head clear
Now my bottom half is naked
And there’s no way I can fake it
I’m sweating in the grip of The Fear
Oh please sell me a cure
The night has been expensive
But I’m ready just to spend a bit more

I know I’m pushing forty
But surely I’ve got more?
Please don’t send me away
I swear I’m not gay
Just give me a minute and I’ll prove I’m OK
I promise that it’s to nothing do
With any aspect of you
It’s just sometimes I’m blue
In no particular way

Some Thoughts

I’ve got a feeling I wrote this off the back of hearing Beck’s Odelay album, but if that’s true it would mean that this is QUARTER OF A CENTURY OLD, which seems impossible. I could be mistaken anway.

The song itself is vaguely in the country idiom, with a sort of hip hop rhythm track so that it doesn’t just fall into pastiche. The most (only?) interesting thing going on here in a musical sense is my use of a cigar box guitar.

In fact, if you listen carefully you can tell that I can’t, in fact, play the fucking thing. Although I love the sound, I’ve no idea how to even tune it! In lieue of spending the requisite time, I simply tuned it to an open D as I would if I was going to play a slide guitar. And then… I played it with a slide. In effect, I could just have played a slide guitar. That having been said, the cigar box has a much more pleasing twang to it.

There are actually three different parts, to cover the many sins of my random poking about. Eventually, I will hand it over to a professional who will, I trust, make it sound much better.

So, treat this as a work in progress.

Lyrically, it’s very much tongue in cheek. I’ve written a few “serious” songs recently, but this has always been a bit of a joke. I’ve had the lyrical conceit of the subject matter since it was written, but only the lines “I swear I’m not gay” and “I’ve never had this problem before” existed until this morning, when I finally sat down and forced myself to work on it.

Anyway. It’s a bit of daft fun, and this has cost you nothing. You may now go about your business.