I have written you a song. No biggie. It’s kind of what I do. You’re welcome. It’s also possible the most irritatingly catchy song I’ve written in many a long year. I mean seriously. It’s bouncy past the point of inanity. And yet – despite its genesis being more or less a joke – I am turned on that I wrote this song. Practically tumescent. So have a listen, read the words and… well. You know.
Lyrics
Simon and Sophie next door
They’re at it again – what are they doing it for?
She stamps her foot on the floor
He raises his voice so she stamps even more
She really hates him – and she has done for a while
She has a knife that she keeps in a drawer
She harbours desires that she can’t quite ignore
One day she snaps and it’s over in a flash
It’s not quite how she planned it
But she needs the cash
Sophie stands back with a grin
It’s a bloody old mess – but she’s chalking it up as a win
She drops the blade in the bin
Gets in her car and her new life begins
She stops at Zara to get herself a dress
She gets out her purse – her hands still a mess
Within half an hour she’s under arrest
The judge asks “what were you thinking?”
To no reply
Sophie doesn’t answer
She just rolls her eyes
Sophie’s not normal – but who wants to be normal anyway?
Sophie’s not normal – but who wants to be normal anyway?
Like her teachers said
Sophie’s not the sharpest tool in the shed
Sophie and Cindy next door
They’re sharing a cell cos they both broke the law
But Cindy won’t share the top bunk
Sophie makes her plans while they’re playing Ker-Plunk
She takes a blanket and twists it into rope
She climbs up the ladder in the dead of the night
Cindy’s asleep she doesn’t put up a fight
Sophie gets what she wanted in the end
Another twenty years
And one fewer friend
Now you’re really done it
Her mother starts to cry
Sophie’s not the sharpest tool in the shed
Sophie’s not normal – but who wants to be normal anyway?
Thoughts
Next door are building again. They have been now for three years since they inherited the house. Every weekend brings more drilling and banging and sanding and erecting and throwing and – increasingly – arguing.
A semi-regular feature of my weekends at the moment is the arrival of the couple next door. Their relationship is being tested by this refurbishment project, and as often as not, you will have a shout of “well fuck off to your mum’s then” and one or t’other of them stalking out of the house. Mostly the lady, to be fair.
So, for some reason, that prompted this song. Initially a tale of normal marital discord, it soon took this weird twist, where the Sophie character became a murderess. I can’t account for that any more than you can. And I’m fully aware that this essentially makes it my Maxwell’s Silver Hammer (Abbey Road, 1969) – McCartney’s much-maligned, similarly-themed song that is frequently listed as one of the reasons the Beatles broke up. However, I don’t have a Beatles to break up. It’s just me, and I can live with it.
But lyrics are only half the story. The main thing here is the song as a whole. And I have to say, this is stupidly catchy no?
Having spent much of 2022 boring myself to sleep with ponderous mid-tempo songs, I’m trying to recapture my native zest for POP music. I don’t care if it’s silly or trite – I want to have some songs you can’t help but sing along to. When I started on this journey 30 years ago, that was my #1 raison d’etre: to write a song that people could sing.
At the time, this led to a monstrosity called Sunshiney Day – probably still the worst best song I’ve ever written – which caused friction in the band: who were far too cool for that kind of nonsense (and rightly so). This, however, is 4 million times better.
If you recognise something in the musical setting, it is this: Madness.
When I was a kid of preteen years, the first band I was every properly into was Madness. Gorgeous hooks. Wacky presentation. Surprising musical sophistication (in fact I sang their praises in the very first blog I wrote on here). Somehow, this frothy nonsense has ended up in exactly that ballpark.
I love the melody. I love the hooks. I love the rhythm. I love the feel of the thing.
So that’s that. I don’t want to overanalyse this one at all. It is what is: a song for the summer. A stupid song. A catchy song. A happy song.
About a murder.
The end.